today was hard...

I find grieving comes in waves, waves that sneak up on you when you least expect it.  Waves that sometimes cannot and will not be denied.  Last night a wave hit.  I was tired, SO tired, and yet there I lay silence in the house listening to my husband sleeping beside me when in the faint distance I hear the sound of train whistles.  Something I have heard a MILLION times in my life, but for some reason last night a wave hit when I heard those whistles.  Gramps lived in Cozad NE, a small town of about 4000 in western NE.  A small town where the trains go through every 15 minutes.  So many nights as a child I would fall asleep to the sounds of trains, sometimes it was annoying sometimes lulling.  In the midst of the silent tears I was thankful, thankful that the Lord gave me that moment, finally.  In the rush of life and raising twins and house rennovations and loss of grandma badeer, there are so many things I feel I have not yet fully grieved.

There in the silence with the lulling sound of trains, I cried...tears I have held back for so long...memories flooded back, emotions...the sound of his voice while telling a story.  I miss that man....I miss him SO much, more than words can ever say.  I am thankful, thankful that I loved him so deeply and hard...thankful that even the smallest thing can bring back those wonderful memories.  Thankful that the Lord chose to flood my memories and let the tears fall in a quiet moment, where I had nothing else to do but let myself grieve.

So much loss in a such a short time...I had forgotten how hard it is...today was hard...my heart was heavy...I still can't believe he's gone...I can't believe grandma badeer is gone...but slowly...so slowly, I am starting to see the joy in the midst of sorrow...I think...I am thankful God is gracious and patient cause I am a mess.