why am I so shutter happy?

If you are a friend of mine on facebook you MAY have noticed I take quite a few pictures of my girls...ok, so I take a rather obsessive amount of pictures of my girls...and I feel the need to share them with the world.  Believe it or not there is a somewhat logical reason why I do such a thing past the general obsessive mom that thinks her kids are the cutest things ever (which I do btw).  But as August presses on and their 2nd birthday fast approaches I have been drawn to reflect and in that time, my heart has pushed me to share...this is/was our journey...

Most couples decide they want to start a family and take steps to pursue that dream and usually within a few months or so they excitedly announce they are expecting.  This was not our story.  This probably never will be our story.  We made that decision in January of 2005, we'd been married for 3 years and felt like it was time...that something was missing and we were ready for the pitter patter of little feet.  Months passed, and more months passed...with no blessed news to share.  We help hope, sure that it would happen, praying it would happen...it did happen.  In the September of 2005 I found out I was pregnant.  With great joy and elation I shared the news with Armen and a few close friends.  Sadly we lost that sweet angel days later on September 17th.  I grieved.  I grieved hard.  I didn't understand why we were called to wait so patiently only to find out our prayers were answered only to lose the baby so soon after.

I visited with my OB and we talked about what our path would look like.  You see, in the midst of this trial and because of that sweet angel, I found out I have issues.  Apparently my hormones don't like me much and so, I don't produce enough estrogen to make a healthy egg in the first place and therefore not enough progesterone later to sustain that little life.  The words that I dreaded and feared were brought into reality...infertility treatments.

We prayed, we waited, we trusted...somwhere in the deep recesses of my mind I had confidence that the Lord would bless us, that He would heal my body miraculously and we would have a healthy baby and would be able to forever proclaim God's miracle in that way.  Sadly, as the weeks, months, years progressed we determined that was not God's way...not God's plan for us.  Our path, His will, apparently involved a step of faith...a step of faith that took us far beyond our comfort zones both physically and financially.

Mid to late 2007 after much debate, prayer, and saving....we decided to step forward in faith and pursue infertility treatments.  We endured 4 rounds of a drug called Clomid, many ultrasounds, poking and prodding (mainly of me) and were not successful.  I started losing hope...I questioned daily, I cried often...I was not happy, I was not strong, I was not content.  This was the hardest battle I had faced...such a challenge...to face something that you KNOW God designed you to do, but to be told your body isn't doing it.  We know it COULD do it since we have atleast one angel in heaven...but for some reason our path toiled on.

We waited and prayed, cried, and battled and decided to step forward again and further the infertility treatments to injectible medications.  Oh heavens that was fun.  Let me just say, a shot in the bum from your husband is not the most romantic nor the most pleasant thing...that in addition to the original poking and prodding that we endured with the other meds, made for all sorts of fun.  Again, I doubted, I faltered, I cried oh how I cried...I HATED the shots, I hated the process, I didn't understand why...I still don't understand why...and after 3 months of enduring those meds, I wondered...I questioned...I tested...and saw the most BEAUTIFUL 2 lines I could have ever seen in my life.

3 years from when we started trying (to the day) we found out we were expecting.  About 5 weeks after that (with MUCH suspicion and a pretty sure guess) we found out we were expecting twins.  I think I knew, part of me hoped and thought that maybe God would bless us with 2 since we waited so long and endured so much...and He did.  God was faithful, I was not...God fulfilled my hopes and dreams even though I doubted...even though I floundered, cried and was SO angry sometimes.  SO angry.

September 8th 2008 my girls graced us with their presence and my world has never been the same.  My life is full of craziness, joy, blessing, sorrow, hardship, more joy, laughter, silliness...you name it.  And that brings me back to my original reaon for writing this LONG post...

Some of you know this story...others of you don't.  Some of you walked with me down this road, some of you had no clue.  This was one of the hardest things I have EVER had to deal with, and I really prayed that we would never have to go through this again, but thus far, it seems like if we want more children, we may very well have to endure this trial again.

So...why do I take so many pictures?  So many reasons...God is faithful, and I want to celebrate that.  God blessed me when I didn't deserve it, and I want to remember that.  I may never know the joy of another newborn in my arms, the joy of first smiles, first coos, first walking, talking...I want to savor that.  I don't do a good job...heavens knows I don't do a good job of that...that is my challenge in raising twins, you have twice as much joy...yes...but you also have twice as much work, twice as many poopy diapers, bad attitudes, temper tantrums etc...and sometimes, sometimes...it's hard to savor those moments.  And so...I take pictures in my good days, those days where I can enjoy my kids...I love being behind the camera...I don't always do a good job...but I do enjoy it...so...it's a way for me to enjoy, savor and remember every passing moment that I may never get to experience with them or any other baby again.

That's not to be a downer...I am not certain we are done...the desire is still strong and I don't feel like God has shut that door forever.  I don't even think the door is shut...I am NOT at peace with the idea of not having more children, but that is my cross to bear and my battle between me and the Lord. 

So yes, I take a bunch of pictures, but know...it's not because I am proud or arrogant...but because I am blessed and I want to remember that, and remember the road we walked to get here...sorrow turned to joy...and photographing my sweet blessings from the Lord is one of the best ways I know how to do that.  So thank you for bearing with me. :)