Life, frustration and more frustration...

I have been trying to keep my blogs positive, but honest.  While I haven't ventured to delve into the depths of my life in the world of blogging, I feel pressed to write and share in order to not only deal with things in a better fashion, but to perhaps help someone else in the process.  So, while I intend on continuing to chronicle our home renovations and my babies, I think I may venture to share more of my heart than I have previous.  That being said...

Life has been rough.  Not going to go into details as that is not needed, but it's been a challenge.  I have been battered and bruised in more ways in the last year than I thought possible.  Prior to that I had been battered and bruised by infertility and thought THAT was more painful than I could have imagined.  While it was hard, God continues to place me in trial, I am not entirely sure why, I haven't learned all I need to learn yet I guess...maybe part of it is this is what I signed up for...life is a battle, not a picnic...and while most days I crave picnic, I suppose I should see the blessing in the battle.

Recently I discovered a harsh reality...it seems at this moment that the issues I prayed so hard to heal themselves through my pregnancy with the girls, the issues that drove me batty for 3 years prior to the girls...are back.  I am having an insanely hard time with this.  Many reasons as to why...one being it's a huge pain in my bum to deal with all the time...another being there's a good chance, ok most likely, well must assuredly if they are back, we will have to walk the road of infertility again if we choose to have more children.  My heart aches.  I prayed for so long amidst battling infertility that God would heal my body, that we would be able to NOT have to pursue infertility, and He didn't heal me.  He did grant us our 2 beautiful daughters through the infertility, and that is a HUGE blessing...and they are HUGE miracles.  So I started to pray that if the healing weren't to come in a miraculous way, that the healing would come from pregnancy, because it can happen.  I had confidence it would happen.  I had confidence for the last 6 months that it did happen....and then was smacked in the face that it isn't healed. 

Maybe it's the fact that I will ultimately and always have to trust the Lord for our children.  Maybe it's the fact that every child will be a battle to bring into this world.  Maybe it's the everyday annoyance of my issues...I don't know...but it's extremely hard to stomach.  It has me on my face before the Lord once again asking why??  Why must we repeat this battle?  Did I not learn the first time round?  Why can't we have one area in our lives that comes easy..one area?? 

The blessing in the midst...the blessing I can see is that I will NEVER take my children for granted.  I KNOW the battle it was to have my 2 girls, the tears, the pain and ultimately the joy.  And for that struggle, there are days I am thankful...thankful that things didn't come easy as I am able to look at the blessing of children and know how much of an incredibly large miracle they are.  Knowing how many things can go wrong...and knowing that with even one little level off in your body...you can have issues getting and staying pregnant.  I am thankful, I am...really.  But that does NOT mean I don't wish to go through it again.  Don't get me wrong I would do the same thing again to get my girls...and I don't regret it at all...I just really didn't want to go through all that again someday.

So...my heart aches.  I do hope to have more children, and I guess somewhere deep down I am still holding out hope that we will have a miracle baby that is NOT conceived using fertility treatments.  Though that may be far fetched.  I will learn to swallow this and be content...in time.  I will find a way to handle it...in time.  For now though, I will be honest, I am ticked.  Mainly at my body for not being able to do what God designed it to do without intervention....but a little at God too, for hearing my prayers for the last 4 plus years and deciding that apparently the answer is No.

In happier news, Cordi is starting to walk!  On her 14 month birthday she took 2-3 solo steps.  Since then she is getting better and better, but still nearly falling flat on her face if someone doesn't catch her.  I am sure that will work it's way out soon enough.  She is also breaking 3 teeth for a sum total of 10 teeth!  She's working 2 molars through and you would NOT have a clue with her attitude, the child is a DREAM when it comes to teething.  Ari is talking up a storm and I swear every day she comes up with new words.  She is also breaking teeth 5-6, and ultimately doing well with it, not as cranky as past teething.

For kicks and giggles (and my memory) I'm gonna list the words she says...if I don't do it here it will never happen.

Ari's voabulary in some form or another:
Mommy
Daddy
Baby
Ari
Shoe
Car
Truck
Popple (don't ask me why)
Pumpkin
Hi
Byebye or Buhbye
Kitty
No
Teddy
Eye
Please
box
Jammies
Nigh Nigh
Up
Wee
Rock rock (like a rocking chair)
lalala (when asked what 3 singing pigs say)
moo (what does a cow say)
woof woof (what does a puppy say)
*insert elephant noise here* (what does an elephant say)
rawr (what does a lion say)
oo oo ee ee (what does a monkey say)



Cordi's vocabulary more or less: 
mama
lalala (when asked what 3 singing pigs say)
moo (what does a cow say)
woof woof (what does a puppy say)
*insert elephant noise here* (what does an elephant say)
rawr (what does a lion say)
bow wow wow
oo oo ee ee (what does a monkey say)

Meanwhile sadly we are still without a camera, so...I am hoping in the next week or so to have on up and running to get back into life with photos.  So stick around, there definitely will be updates when I finally get one up and running again.